The Art of Parenting an Athlete

On a whim, I grabbed a little book called “Parenting an Athlete” while browsing at the Downers Grove Public Library recently.  I figured I could use some advice.  From my limited experience of parenting my own athletes, I have realized it is much more complicated than driving a carpool and cheering from the sidelines.

The author, Annette Reiter, played basketball in high school and college; she also coached basketball for twenty years and has two daughters who played basketball at the college level. She used her player, coach and parent perspectives and blended them with experiences shared by other parents, coaches and a family psychologist. It’s not a silky smooth read, but I found it to be a good vehicle to help me take an objective look at my own behaviors as a parent.

The sports scenery has changed dramatically since most of us parents were kids. It’s serious business that requires a considerable commitment of time and money. Walk into The Perfect Swing in Darien on a cold weekday in February.  The place is crowded with kids getting private pitching or hitting lessons. Head northeast to Westmont Yard on that same, cold weekday and you will see that facility packed with cheerleading, lacrosse and soccer practices. There is no such thing as an off-season; it is “game on” all year round. Kids’ sports of all types have evolved into a big deal and when we spend more (time and money) on something, we expect more from our investment. This is the tricky part of being a parent to an athlete in 2012.

Reiter writes, “I have found it is most confusing and difficult being the parent of an athlete. I live and breathe with many other parents of this generation raising young athletes on the brink of high school sports and wanting so much for them to achieve and be at the top. I applaud parents for being so engaged in their child’s life.”

She also shines a light on the dark side. “What has become clear to me is while we as parents are trying to help our children, we may inadvertently be hindering them. We buy them the best equipment to participate in their sport.  We send them to the best camps and clinics. We secure them personal trainers and private coaches. And why not? Hey, most of us were also athletes in our day and we remember how it was. We were pretty good. But just think how good we would have been if our parents gave us more opportunities like the high school athletes of today.”

“While none of these extras are bad – in fact they are necessary in the development of the child athlete today – we as parents have an even bigger role as a role model who maintains a positive attitude, no matter what the immediate situation. We need to bite our tongue in the presence of our child, even when we feel they’re being treated unfairly,” Reiter adds.

The book is full of personal experiences shared by Reiter and her associates. I found many of the messages from her contributors to bring some insight to help me tweak my approach, especially as a supporter, and the importance of accountability. 

From Julie McHenry, softball coach: “I find there is a fine line between being a supportive parent and being ‘over the top.’ Many of my players with the most demanding parents were the best players I’ve ever coached. But at what point does being supportive cross into being controlling and manipulative? Many of my former players continued to play and love the game of softball, but some of them stopped playing because of the pressure their parents put on them.”

From Jerry Campbell, player, coach, parent and official: “The advice I would give to parents of high school athletes today would be to enjoy the ride; it will be over before you know it. Stay out of the way, and let kids be kids. Today, kids have adult supervision at home (hopefully), in school, and, in today’s world, adult supervision at play. I’m afraid that a generation is growing up not experiencing ‘just playing’ the game.”

From Marc Balara, parent and coach: “We as parents have expectations going into a season, and I think this is where we fall into a trap. I think one of the greatest difficulties is that it is not me playing down there, no matter how much I would like it to be…it’s my daughter, and she is responsible and accountable for her play, not me, not the coach, not her teammates. When she plays bad…she plays bad…not me. But then why do I feel elated when she scores the winning basket and crappy when she turns the ball over…I’m a parent; I love her, it’s a normal ‘parenting side effect.’ The key, however, is not playing the ‘blame game.’ She is accountable for her play, no one else.” 

As parents of athletes, we all need to take a step back and check in with ourselves.  Are we encouraging accountability and positive thinking with our actions?  Is our kid enjoying the sport? Are we putting too much importance on success in sports? These gut checks have the potential to help both parent and athlete increase the enjoyment of their investment in the game.